Nei Yang Gong Qigong 2017

Regular Morning classes, Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 7h45 - 8h30 in the Parliament Gardens - near the bowls club;

Date:2017-01-26
Humor

***

There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear one more person confess to adultery, I’ll quit!”
Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say instead that they had ‘fallen.’ This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest passed away at a ripe old age.
A few days after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
“Mayor, you have to do something about the sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep telling me they’ve fallen.” The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. But, before he could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at him and shouted, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, because your wife has fallen three times this week!”

***

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir,” the new recruit replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just fine ... “ the boss went on.
“After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

****

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of jelly and ice cream. It’s a breeze!”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.” And the second kid says, “Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn’t walk for a year!”

LEARN TO LAUGH AT YOURSELF !

People laugh at others, but never laugh at themselves. It has to be learned. If you can laugh at yourself, seriousness is already gone. It cannot make its abode within you if you are capable of laughing at yourself.

In Zen monasteries every monk has to laugh. The first thing in the morning to do is to laugh, the very first thing. The moment the monk becomes aware that he is no longer asleep, he has to jump out of bed, stand in a posture like a buffoon, like a circus joker, and start laughing, laughing at himself. There cannot be any better beginning of the day.

Laughing at oneself kills the ego and you are more transparent, more light, when you move in the world. And if you have laughed at yourself, then others' laughter toward you won't disturb you. In fact they are simply cooperating, they are doing the same thing that you were doing. You will feel happy.

To laugh at others is egoistic; to laugh at oneself is very humble. Learn to laugh at yourself-about your seriousness and things like that. You can get serious about seriousness. Then instead of one, you have created two diseases. Then you can get serious about that also, and you can go on and on. There is no end to it; it can go on ad nauseam.

So take hold of it from the very beginning. The moment you feel you are serious, laugh about it and look for where the seriousness is. Laugh, give a good laugh, close the eyes and look for where it is. You will not find it. It exists only in a being who cannot laugh.

A more unfortunate situation cannot be conceived, a poorer being cannot be conceived of, than the man who cannot laugh at himself. So start the morning by laughing at yourself, and whenever you can find a moment in the day when you have nothing to do, have a good laugh. For no particular reason-just because the whole world is so absurd, just because the way you are is so absurd. There is no need to find any particular reason, The whole thing is so absurd that one has to laugh.

Let the laughter be a belly laughter, not a head-thing. One can laugh from the head: then it is dead. From the head everything is dead; the head is absolutely mechanical. You can laugh from the head: then your head will create the laughter, but it will not go deep in the belly to the hara. It will not go to your toes, it will not go to your whole body. A real laugh is just like a small child laughs. Watch his belly shaking, his whole body throbbing with it-he wants to roll on the floor. It is a question of totality. He laughs so much that he starts crying; he laughs so deeply that the laughter becomes tears, tears come out of him. Laughter should be deep and total. This is the medicine that I prescribe for seriousness.

-OSHO-

***

One day I saw Mulla Nasruddin walking on the road in great despair, almost ready to burst out crying.
I asked him, "What is the matter? Why are you so miserable?"
He said, "my shoes are very small - I need two sizes bigger - and they hurt like hell."
I said, " Then why don`t you change them?" He said, "that I cannot do."
I asked him, "why can`t you? You have the money."
He said," I have the money, but there is much more involved in it. The whole day I suffer from these shoes, and when in the evening I go home, I throw these shoes away and fall on my bed..
It is such a relief, as if one has come to paradise! And that is the only joy in my life!
I cannot change these shoes - in 24 hours this is the only moment of joy. If I change these shoes, the moment will also disappear. Then there is nothing left."

What we call happiness is just a question of relativity. What Buddha`s call happiness is something absolute.

***

"Young man," said the judge, looking sternly at the defendant, "it is alcohol, and alcohol alone, that is responsible for your present sorry state."

"I am glad to hear you say that," replied Paddy, with a sigh of relief. "Everybody else says it is all my fault!"

***

A man was out rowing on the river when another boat ran into his.
He turned around in anger ready to shout at the other boatman - only to find the other boat was empty.

***

Turn off the lights when you leave a room. How would you like it if some one turned you on and then just left?

***

Zen story. Two monks were sitting in the courtyard arguing - about a flag.
The one monk said: "The flag is moving."
The other monk said: "The wind is moving."
The Master came by and said: "Mind is moving."

****

Mulla Nasrudin got a job in a bank. The cashier tossed him a packet of one-rupee notes and said: "Check them to make sure there are one hundred.
" The Mulla started counting. Finally he got up to "56", "57", "58". Then he threw the package in the drawer.
"If it is right this far," remarked Nasrudin to the man next to him, "it is probably right all the way."

***

The boss was complaining to Mulla Nasruddin about his constant tardiness. "It`s funny," he said. "You are always late in the morning and you live right across the street. Now, Billy Wilson, who lives two miles away, is always on time."

"There is nothing funny about it," said Nasruddin. "if Billy is late in the morning, he can hurry, but if I am late, I am here."

***

Don`t get jealous if you see your ex with someone else. Our parents always told us to give our toys to the less fortunate.

***

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, “Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole.”
The grandfather replies, “I’ll bet you five dollars you can’t. It’s too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole.”
The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole.
The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars.
The little boy says, “Grandpa, you already gave me fi ve dollars.”
The grandfather replies, “I know. That’s from your grandma.”

***

WOMEN`S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No.
2. No = Yes.
3. Maybe = No.
4. We need = I want.
5. I am sorry = You`ll be sorry.
6. We need to talk = I need to complain.
7. Sure, go ahead = I don`t want you to.
8. Do what you want = You`ll pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me? = Too late, you`re dead.
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me.
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
13. You`re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive.
15. It`s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
16. You`re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I`ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you`re really not going to like.

MEN`S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let`s have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What`s wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question.
8. May I have this dance? = I`d like to have sex with you.
9. Can I call you sometime? = I`d like to have sex with you.
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I`d like to have sex with you.
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I`d like to have sex with you.
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you.
13. You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you within the next three minutes.
14. Let`s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I`d like to have sex with you.
--

***

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
"I`ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don`t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won`t be home for dinner. I`ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don`t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that`s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o`clock every night.. whether you`re here or not." :-)))))))

***

An elderly couple is sitting in church. The woman says to her husband, “I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?”
The man turns to her and says, “Well, you can start by changing the battery in your hearing aid.”





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